The Bridesmaid’s Anti-Checklist
The Bridesmaid’s Anti-Checklist – Dearest Bridesmaids, No doubt by now you’ve received all those pesky checklists your bride printed off for you, no less than a chore list of grizzly tasks itemized “to help you stay organized.” All that work for a few lousy bridesmaid gifts! Well, forget all that seating chart architecture and shower planning, because we have created a bridesmaid anti-checklist, and we say if you follow this to a tee, your bride can count herself lucky. You’ve certainly received enough guides on what to do, so here’s a complete guide to what you may choose to do or not do, and what you definitely mustn’t do, under any circumstances.
Duty #1: As a bridesmaid, you may or may not choose to enter into the debate over meringue versus marzipan. You must however, pledge not to get into petty fights with other attendants, no matter how annoying or uninteresting you may find them. Bridesmaids come from all phases of the bride’s life, so it is inevitable that you, her more cynical college roommate, may not want to become blushing best friends with her idealistic high school sweetheart. But because it is her wedding, you must refrain from pointing out the other bridesmaid’s more precious tendencies and allow peace and harmony to reign-at least until the bouquet toss. Better bridesmaid gifts will abound as a result of your supreme self-control.
Duty #2: You may or may not choose to attend the formal vote on eggshell versus ecru for your friend’s shotgun wedding dress. You must however, refrain from openly mocking the bride’s wedding planning choices, or attempting to outshine her on the big day. As her bridesmaid, you are sworn to smile like a saint as she describes her plans for a bridal perm and swoon over the homemade scented candles she presents you as bridesmaid gifts. It’s her wedding, who cares? On the other hand, it’s her wedding, so graciously stash the wonderbra, the extensions and the fishnets for a more appropriate time-like the bachelorette party.
Duty #3: You may or may not be willing to bounce on the bed at the honeymoon suite to test if the necessary buoyancy requirements have been met. You must however, avoid sleeping with, dating, and breaking up with the groomsmen prior to the wedding. Turning the wedding party into a battle-of-the-sexes war and pitting the bride against the groom by making them take sides? That pretty much guarantees coal for bridesmaid gifts. Keep yourself in check until the vows have been exchanged and the reception liquor is flowing…after that, game on.
Duty #4: You may or may not choose to attend the boring wedding brunch and accompanying mindless slideshow hosted by your bride’s granny. You must however, refrain from tormenting the junior bridesmaids about how much older, cooler, and better you are than them. No doubt they are at an awkward age and already envious of your more developed body, your driver’s license, and the fact that your bridesmaid gift contained booze while theirs contained bubble gum. Egging them on would just be foolish, if not downright dangerous. Instead, offer to do their hair or makeup and you will have a devoted servant for life.
Duty #5: You may or may not choose to endure the groom’s obnoxious company as you escort him on the simplest and most self-explanatory of wedding errands. You must however, resist the urge to sabotage the adorable flower girl who you fear may steal your thunder in the wedding photos, or steal your bridesmaid gifts from the dressing area and get away with it. As a bridesmaid, it is your job to prevent and placate wailing children, who are really the ultimate bad omen at a wedding (besides the groom not showing up). Instead, employ a similar strategy as the one applied to the junior bridesmaids, but this time employ candy or cuddling.
Cute wedding photos of you with the precious little attendant will make you appear maternal, thus increasing your chances of taking your own marital photos soon enough. And when you do, we hope you’ll be smart enough to pass along this bridesmaid anti-checklist, because really, who cares about cake colors when you are going through all this amazing trouble to be on your very best bridesmaid behavior?